Thirst.

When was the last time you were actually thirsty? Take just a second and remember the feeling-the sheer desperation of needing something to quench your thirst. It brings to mind the image of a lone traveler in a desert gazing into the horizon in search for a cool spring. I've never had to crawl across a desert, but I think the thirstiest I'd ever been was when I was in highschool after a soccer tournament in the beginning of Summer. I played soccer for a team in Birmingham and we had a 4 game tournament starting at 7am on a Saturday. It was sweltering hot outside. The heat alone was one factor, but, also the activities of constant running as a wing and striker on soccer field was another. I also at this time had an eating disorder and was severly dehydrated from laxative abuse -by midafternoon my throat was raw and lips were cracked. On multiple occasions I remember running to the sidelines to the community water bottles the coach provided and drinking from them because my thirst was so painful.
One of the coaches would run up and down the sidelines with the community water bottles bearing cold water to the players. One of the particular games I remember running to the side lines and the water cooler being gone. The only thing to drink was one of the players had a hot, syrupy Dr. Pepper in her bag. I took the Dr. Pepper- it could be worse like grape soda- and in my moment of desperation tilted my head back and took a long drink. For a minute, my need was gone. But just as quickly, my thirst was back and raging with a vengeance. Only one thing was going to satisfy and that was the genuine article: H2O, I was in desperate need of the real thing.







As I think about how intense my thirst was that long, hot day, I cannot help but see the similarity between my body's thirst for real water and my soul's thirst for God. But, just like settling for a hot soda instead of a cool, refreshing water, for years I settled for what I hoped would satisfy my thirst: a man. So time and time again, I hoped a relationship would fulfill the deepest longings in my soul-- but like the hot soda, the hot guy worked for a moment, but in the end I was left parched.







Relationships:







Let me explain. Relationships can be amazing, especially at the beginning--they hold so much promise. You meet a guy, and if there's actually a connection-or as Carrie Bradshaw would say "za za zoom"-- there is so much hope and excitement when you two first start hanging out. Often we enter these relationships with a secret thirst, not a physical one, but our souls are thirsty and we hope certain needs will be quenched in the relationship.



We come into a relationship hoping to feel that we belong to someone. And for a season, we do feel that way. There's that rush that happens when we walk down the street hand in hand or the joy of having a date for our office Christmas party- or just the fill in the blank for your particular I-can't-go-alone event. The confident feeling that says, "I'm with someone" makes us feel important, special, and desired.



We also come into relationships with the hope of finding acceptance - someone who will love us, as one of my favorite movie lines, "Just the way you are" (Thank you very much Bridgette Jones.) We hope the nagging questions about our worth, our lovability, and all those pesky self-doubts will be removed with the mere presence of another.







Many of us enter into a relationship and think, Security at last! Finally, someone who will make everything OK, I'm not alone anymore. Perhaps subconsciously we believe we've found someone who will take care of us and meet all of our needs.







And last, but certainly not least, we come into relationships with a deep thirst for completion. This is the hope that someone else will fill our emptiness and drive away the lonliness. Oh yes, romantic love comes in a rush, and lets face it... romance is a rush. But there still comes a day when we wake up and realize, "I'm still empty." We still don't feel all that secure. For some reason we don't feel loved. And even if there is a head on the pillow next to ours, we can still feel completely alone.



Simply put we come into relationships looking for unconditional love. But can this love be found in any human relationship? Or better yet, are human relationships enough to satisfy the thirst of our souls for belonging, security, acceptance, and completion? Can boyfriends or husbands banish all of our insecurities and make us feel whole and complete? I would suggest the answer is no.







For many women the dissapointment can lead to disillusionment--is the love my heart thirst for really available? Disillusionment can send some women into depression and even others into divorce. I'm serious here. Think about it. If I enter a relationship with the expectation that this guy is going to fill my sould and drive away all my insecurities, what happens when he fails? Does that mean I married the wrong guy? Does that mean I haven't found "the one"? Granted, there are reasonable expectations we should hold as a part of being in a healthy relationship-one in which both parties are concerned with meeting the other person's needs. And if a man is a real man, he will be concerned with making his girl feel secure, accepted, and loved. But the point is this: even the best guy, on his best day, can only go so far. There will always remain a place, unreachable by flowers and kisses, that belongs to God alone; and it is this place, the God-Spot that our deepest thirst is found. And until that place is filled by God Himself, all the romance in the world will never satisfy. One stop at your local grocery store will confirm this truth. Pick up People, Us Weekly, or and other celebrity gossip magazines, and you will find tales of souls searching for love. Our addiction to these publications is fueled by who's dating whom,who's getting divorced, and why-did-so-and-so-leave-her-latest-soul-mate drama. When the celebrity relationship begins, each party is gushing to the world as to how they've found the one, the love of their lives. But then no sooner than you've thrown out the last weekly edition, the celebrity has moved on to someone new, someone who will hopefully, this time, meet all her needs and quench the thirst.



It goes without saying that Carrie Bradshaw,Sex & the City character typifies the lovelorn woman best. Throughout the six seasons, Carrie's love life is the central focus of the show's plotline. Her hopes, dreams, and disapointments fuel much of Sex and the Cities success with women everywhere. Why do women love Carrie? Is it just her love for shoes? Is is the fashion? Perhaps, but I think the real reason we love Carrie is we identify with her struggles, her desires, and her hope to find real love.



In the final two episodes of Sex and the City, Carrie's search for love has led her from comfy confines of her New York City apartment across the Atlantic ocean to an exquisite hotel room in Paris to be with her current "luvah," Alexander Pertrovsky. In what one of the most dramatic moments in the six seasons of Sex and the City, Miss Bradshaw confesses the ultimate desire of her heart:




I'm looking for love, Real love. Ridiculous. inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love, And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.

Season 6, episode 94




With these words Carrie ends her love affair with The Russian, who is yet another dissapointment in her quest to find "real love." If you've ever seen this episode, you probably felt the weight of Carrie's dissapointment. Carrie kissed her friends good-bye and left life in New York behinf... and for what? Yet another failed relationship. She's broken and hurting-her heart is ripped open-and we wonder if she will ever find what she is looking for. Mr. Big, who is now miraculously ready to commit to a relations. True to Hollywood form, the final season reveals a carefree Carrie, strolling fown the streets of her beloved NYC ansering a call from her love, Mr. Big, whose name we finally learn is John. The two are now living happily-ever-after....or so it seems.







The girls of Sex and the City are no different from the rest of us; they, too, have a deep thirst that only God can quench. They crave real love. But their thirst cannot be quenchs by Cosmos, and their cravings can't be satisfied by cupcakes. They long to feel acceptance and to know the security of uncondional love. But, what they don't know is what this real love is and where it is ultimately found. As we all eventually find out, cosmos and cupcakes, martini's and men, will leave you as hung over, overweight, and undermined. Our purest form of self becomes and intoxicated essence that reeks of habitual mistakes and continual longings. Unfulfilled desires perpetrate exhausting journeys into emptinees. Empty glass, empty arms, and empty hearts.


-ashleigh

Maggie On the Rocks

Most of you know I use my blog to post some of my freelance devotions/ life stories/ lessons learned etc. But, today I needed to vent.. so I figured I'd use this as my outlet. So, I want to share with you the story of how Vodka, TLC, and Ringers Lactate worked their magic into making my precious dog Maggie comfortable during her last days.

Maggie is part red nose pit and part lab... I'd never had a shelter pet before most of our dogs growing up just randomly showed up at our house. But, I'd wanted a full blooded mastiff- but with my recent job lay off I couldn't afford to fork out the cost. I was at a point in my life where I needed to get a dog before life got me. Yep, that is right folks, call it what you want-but I purchased a friend.. Little did I know this would be the best decision of my life.

It was right around Christmas time when I made my first steps into an animal shelter. I walked straight through the cat section right into the canine barking room filled with the aroma of clorox, urine, and an old ceiling heater as I began to look for my new best friend. I went in looking for a long haired, big (would grow big), male pup that I could take home.. I made my way into the kennells and saw a dog named Bailey who put his paw up on the chain length fence and doggy high fived me as he tilted his head, I thought "Maybe he is choosing me.. hmm.. He really is adorable.." I continued walking and right around isle two... third kennell down from the left sitting near a huge coon dog named "Red" a dog named Skittles who was sad and covered with the mange was sitting in a sulk.. I stared at her as I turned around to look at the kennell of frantic rottweilers barking so loudly at me I could barely think. I went back to Bailey who was now playing with a very attractive-kinda my age range -I had a potential I could date him thought- guy. As I suddenly thought "How great would this story be... We meet at a humane society, both wanting the same dog... exchanged numbers.. we lived happily ever after with our cute dog Bailey... etc.. totally didn't happen. But, hey I did look cute this day... So I went up to Baileys kennell and said "your not getting my dog are you?" He laughes and says, "He's adorable, and seems playfull- He'd be great for my kids." ----EEEEEHHHRR buzzer went off -as I tried to not show the dissapointment in my face, I said "yeah, he's cute. I was going to get him, but you probably should take him home." Yep, that guy straight up didn't argue- no if's ands or but's- he took Bailey home.



Thinking, this may not be a great idea after all...I continued to walk around pacing the isles looking for the attention of a canine. There I began to consider two dogs... neither of them were My Maggie. But, when I looked at Skittles,I began to read her story.. She was only 3 months old and had been brought to Shelby Humane Shelter when she was around 1 1/2 months. She was covered in mange and had a terrible case of IBS. She came from a blood line of red nose pits and labs that were bred into fighting dogs use to fight boars. Skittles was the sick one who some how managed to survive a terrible home at which her brothers and sisters were killed. Her owners were being placed under numerous charges for dog fighting. I immediately related to her on many levels. One, I just had been diagnosed with gluten allergies which isn't good on someones stomach until you know what foods to avoid... check. Two, she had mange... Gluten allergies also give me a bad case of exzema...check. Three, I had just gone through a very very hard time in my life that thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, and I too could relate to her depression. So I thought.. "Maybe we can help each other."Sold. I walked right back up there filled out the papers and took my new girl home. I changed her name to Maggie... I didn't know until this week when google'ing her name meaning that Maggie meant Pearl... which a pearl is a beautiful thing produced by the result of an injured life. It is the tear that is the result from an injured oyster. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured we would never produce a pearl. At the time, I didn't realize the meaning fit, but she looked like a Maggie, and so be it.. Her papers changed from Skittles the homeless pup to Maggie Mae Finn.

After bringing her home I went throught two tough weeks of crate training and two days of new environment diarrhea with her (thank you IBS). I bathed her weekly, got her cute clothes, and walked her everyday to ensure that she had healthy weight gain.. Maggie helped me get out of my depression, get out of the house, and get outside and move. On Sunday afternoons, we would go to Mt. Cheaha until she met a frisky doberman pincher on one of the trails. It wasn't soon after that we decided to change a less outdoor scene and just go to the dog park. Within three weeks her coat was growing into a healthy shine, free of mange, and her stomach was not irritable. Every night we had a routine. She'd sit with me on the couch as we watched reality tv, until it was time to go outside. Around 9:00pm she would go get her leash (she was easy to train) bring it to me and we'd go outside for her night time poddy. Then, she'd sit in the bathroom floor as she watched me do my skin care regimen and brush my teeth, & as soon as the bathroom light was off she'd jump in the bed slidding to her puppy pillow and placing her right paw on me she would sleep through the night.

It wasn't until July 1st, 2011 when Maggie got sick with an upset stomach. Since she is known to have a rumbly tummy,I gave her a fourth of a phenergen like usual because her vomiting wasn't uncommon. The next day when it continued I called her vet to see if he could meet me on the weekend of the fourth. He did, took one look at her and said she's had a stroke gave me a bill and sent me on.

Things continued to worsen over the span of two days. Maggie is a very obedient dog and always turns and comes on command. She now did nothing but stare at my oven for hours-not turning as I called her name. I would physically have to make her sit because she would just stand there. When she walked her hind legs would collapse -even though she was trying with great effort to be strong for me. Her vomit now turned into bile over Monday and on Tuesday we made another vet visit with a new vet in Harpersville. At this point, Mag's hadn't ate in 4 days nor had any urine output.. The doctor said on Tuesday that her labs showed that she was in renal failure and the only chance I had was IV fluid therapy and prayer. After being monitored, Maggie's blood results come back that she's been given a lethal As I sat in the "cat"room with Maggie by my side sitting up right and tense after not being around me for 8 hours and a huge stainless table.. I began to cry... hard. I find out she's been shot in the stomach (could have been prior to Shelter) and given anti freeze. The vet wanted to put her down on Tuesday, but I asked to take Mags home to see what I could do. I knew that if I left Maggie at the vet clinic she would go into failure to thrive because she is super hard headed when I am not around. I took her home heplocked her in the right left and gave her 300ml ringers lactate every 2-4 hourse. Every hour, I'd give her a shot of vodka which is the antidote to antifreeze, if caught soon enough.

The first two days I did nothing but bolus her with IV fluids and she soon started gaining strength and even started back urinating by the very next day. The color was now back in her coat and she was looking so much better. On Thursday, I took Maggie back to the vet to get another set of labs drawn to check her kidney functions to see if they had began to lower. After returning to work on Thursday my mind was elsewhere and worried. Around 10:45am I called the vet since she hadn't called me in the hour like she said she would and asked. Her words were, "we just finished the blood work and unfortunately I hate to tell you but her Creatinine and BUN levels were higher and she recommends the dog be euthanized." I began to cry as she scheduled Maggies death for 1:00 pm the next day. I cried so hard I ended up having to go to my bosses office asking if I could take an hour and half lunch to go home.

I came back home from work, and Maggie was at the door greeting me with a wagging tail even with low energy. I put her out some fresh water, and immediately she goes to it and begins to drink for the first time in 10 days. After two dog bowls of spring water later, Maggie jumps on the couch with me for our nightly tv run down.. We went that afternoon to meet one of my friends who had made Maggie a Care package at the local walking track. By Friday afternoon, My Maggie had ate her first bowl of doggie food and was begging for more.. Words can not express to you the excitement that I had seeing her eat for the first time in almost two weeks.

I took Maggie's hep-lock out yesterday and have not given her any more fluids since Friday. She is still happy, seems to not be in good spirits. She is urinating mass amount of urine every hour and will lay in it all day if I do not make her get up and move. Maggie is now in God's hands and fighting on her own. I've never been more thankful for total strangers who I met and heard about Maggie, and for my facebook friends who became my prayer warriors. Maggie didn't give up on me when I was going through the worst time in my life & I am not giving up on her. I work for hospice. Where doctors tell our patients they are terminal all the time, and we have a 108 year old patient who is out in the garden. When Maggie is ready, she will be ready. Until, then I am watching the most wonderful dog fight death with all her might! She loves life. Loves me. and She doesn't give up. I've learned so many lessons in watching her of the past two weeks than I have learned in a long time. Life isn't about circumstance, its about perception, grabbing the bull by the horn and telling him what you want.

too be continued...

Bridezilla

"You know when you were a little kid, & you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to that castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night, and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them. But, eventually you grow up.One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale dissapears. Most people turn to the thing or the people they can trust. But, the thing is, its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Because, almost everyone has just the smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."-Meridith Grey

So obviously none of us are living under rocks.. we are all aware that today was the most romantic fairy tale... The Royal Wedding! The commoner, Kate Middleton, a coal miners great- grand-daughter recieved her Happy Ever After and is now living a little higher on the hog as we Alabamian's say. Yes, I was one of the many American's who woke up at 4am to watch the Wedding as a donned my big hat drinking coffee so that I could pay attention to every detail. I cried. I smiled. and I prayed that one day my left hand finger wouldn't feel so cold. After hour and hours of television airing the Royal Wedding as if it were the Holy Grail I became a little sick of it. Yes, it was romantic. I get their royalty. But, News flash to all you news broadcasting stations: "All the single ladies" are sick of it.

My favorite television show is Sex and the City, Charlotte York is a woman who knows exactly what she wants. Carrie once said, " Charlotte treated marriage like a sorority she was always hoping to pledge." She, far more than any other character on the series of Sex & the City, desired a husband. Not just any husband, but the One, her soul mate, Mr. Right, the one whom she will live happily ever after. Charlotte wants the fairy tale, and she is not ashamed about it. I remember in one particular episode she decided that this is the year which she is going to get married. Now, we may laugh at Charlottes dating tactics, or roll our eyes like Miranda; but, the truth is deep down we at some point have gone on a man hunt. As much as Charlotte's desperation is embarrassing for my gender. I recall a season at which I did a little man hunting of my own. I'd like to take a trip down memory lane, into my Sex and the City past, as I recall a little "hunting season" of my own.

Music Blaring and drinks flowing, the pre-party to the evenings man hunt was now my ritual. The first order of business: alcohol. Typically, a night on the town with the girls began with drinking at home in order to be fun and friendly when you actually arrived at the bar. But far more important than the drinking, the biggest decision of all must be made... what to wear. This is huge, really. So much is at stake. Seriously, more time is spent going into the decision than most of us spent on deciding which college to attend. So from this brain trust arose carefully crafted ensembles- pulled together from the various wardrobes and push-up bras on hand to form for each girl the ultimate man-hunting outfit.

After choosing the perfect outfit, we moved onto the next order of business: where should we go hunting tonight? To a dance club, rave, a house party, or just a regular bar... so many options. Some nights it depended on our mood, and other nights it depended on who was going to be where. But really at the end it was a simple formula:

single guys+(free) alcohol= desired hunting ground.

The higher a place scored using this finely tuned formula, the more likely it was that you would find us flocking to this location like bears to honey.

I find it quit ironic that bars are the number one place people go to in hopes of finding love-- the irony being that bars are the place you go to drink. I wonder... is there a connection? Why is it that where people go to satisfy a physical thirst, you have people flocking to find a solution to a much deeper thirst, their thirst for love? Hmm... thoughts to ponder.

As we eventually find out, cosmos and cupcakes, martinis and men, will leave us hung over, overweight, and undermined. Our purest form of self becomes an intoxicated essence that reeks of habitual mistakes and continual longings. Empty glasses, empty arms, empty hearts. Here's the catch, there comes a day in every romance when the buzz wears off. Endorphins stabilize, rational thinking returns, and the bliss for romantic love turns into grocery store shopping, paying bills, and changing diapers. Girls, our souls don't need mates. Our souls need their Maker.

I've come to realize that as single women we can fall prey to the grass is greener mentality by thinking, If only I were married, then I wouldn't feel so lonely or empty inside. Little do we know how far from the truth this thought really is. Marriage doesn't make you happy, It just makes you married.

Like Charlotte, I am a single woman. I have an incredible life. I have the best friends a woman could ever dream of. Ive been blessed to be able to travel to beautiful places. And all my essential needs are met: food, shelter, transportation, clothing, shoes (sandals, stilletos, running, flats, kitten heels, platforms, wedges), boots ( flats, heels, cowboy, tall, ankle, scrunch, riding), and handbags. But, despite all of these things I would be lying to you if I didn't confess there is something I don't have that I truly desire. I don't have a husband or even close. have a fiance... When I plan my calender and think of the future, it's just me. Holidays, hurricanes, tornados, couple events, tax forms, car problems, birthday parties, and the list could go on and on. There are times when my desire is so real it's palpable. The desire can at times turn to pain, but through it all I've learned the secret of contentment.

As a single girl, there are two truths that I must hold in balance in order to be content. First, God created me for relationship, so my desire for a husband is not wrong it is good. Second, even though I was designed to be in relationship, my ultimate contentment, satisfaction, and happiness will never be achieved simply through human relationship. I was designed for something far bigger, far greater, something far more satisfying. A true 200 proof shot of Jesus Christ will always quench my thirst.

Don't Miss The Wild

One time in my life have I ever had the opportunity to rock climb. I'm not a fan of climbing rocks by no means. One, its a terrible callous cause to a girls hands. Two, I DO NOT LIKE HEIGHTS ( I can not even dive off of a diving board without getting the phobia sweats and anxiety). However, this was on my bucket list of things to do. Needless to say, my rock wasn't very large in reality ( to most people) it was after all at Mt. Cheaha. However, to me it was a massive rock face that I found myself clinging to for dear life. I would have described it as "menacing," "foreboding," or "fearful." It was a mass of ugly boulders, dark and grey, to me it pierced the sky very Lord of the Rings. Once I started I really wanted to crawl back down, to forgo the thrill of seeing the view from summit for just a taste of the familiar- the solid, flat ground I like to call "safety." But, looking back down the rock I didn't get the sense of security I desired. No, craning in my neck around while still tightly gripping my new best friend, I attempted to look back down the boulder to escape my route. I was borderline "crazy place."

Then I remember hearing a voice of an older woman who was also climbing say: "Keep moving. Don't give up. Take one more step. Place your foot to the left. Lean your weight against the boulder and pull yourself up." Backpacking with a few of my good friends was supposed to be fun: sleeping outdoors, gathering firewood, finding water, building shelter. You know going granola. Speaking of granola, I'm sure this goes without saying that I'm not what you call a tree hugging nature girl. Now, don't get me wrong I love to fish, hike, really do anything outdoors in general. As long as my expeditions end each night with a hot shower and a soft bed, I'm all good. I'm just saying-visiting nature is fine, but "becoming one with nature" is an altogether different thing.

And at this point in the journey, I am so "one with nature" it is pathetic. It would be hard to discern where the "mountain" ended and my body began.. we were "close,"if you know what I mean. As I huddled next to the wall, I reflected on the fact that in no point in this trip was supposed to be in danger. The older lady continued to encourage me saying that I was only experiencing what wilderness experts called "perceived fear versus actual fear." She assured me that this was a case of perceived fear. I was actually safe. I was in a good place. I would make it to the summit.

Still clinging to my rock, I thought to myself, this fear seems pretty "actual" to me. I mulled over her advice and reasoned it must be true. You see my new "guide" knew her wilderness. After all, she looked to be in her sixties and was out climbing big rocks for an extra curricular. She was experienced, knowledgeable, and well trained (obviously). She explained to me that she lived for months on end in the wild and hiked mountains across the globe. Needless to say, I felt I could trust her.

Yet I didn't budge. I was torn. Gripping my rock, I decided not to go up and not to go down. I would just wait. Perhaps in some miracle of miracles, a trail would materialize- kinda like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when the bridge appears and Harrison Ford makes it safely across the chasm. Perhaps a nice handrail or a gondola would appear if I waited long enough.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Alas, no magical ski lift emerged to rescue me.

Honestly, at first the only thing that tempted me to continue my climb was my stinking pride. My pride really didn't want the humiliation of scooting down the mountain on my bootie; but then again, to go forward in to the cloud-into the scary unknown- was a little too much for a girl afraid of heights.

I began to pray. "Lord I know you are calling me to climb, but I am afraid. Help me reach the summit. Everything in me wants to turn back to camp, pack my backpack, and hike back to the car, (head to a Hilton), but You know I have a purpose in this journey. Help me." And then, I heard the familiar words, "Walk by Faith not by sight."

With that, I released my death grip on the boulder and took the proverbial "step of faith." And then another, and then another, until I found myself at the summit. The only word to describe that moment was, yes, you guessed it, joy. Now, with clear vision, I could see in the distance magnificent mountain peaks and valleys, and endless green trees- the view was breathtaking beautiful..

Like my current season, in the wilderness I faced difficulties, terrifying terrain, and moments of despair and desperation, but the ascent to the summit proved my training ground- for facing fear I found muscles of faith.

Sometimes walking with Jesus means our vision is obscured by clouds, and at times we face obstacles that evoke much fear that we would rather forsake the journey than keep going. And yes, following Jesus means we trust His voice even when we can't see His face. But isn't that the thrill of adventure?

During the months of heartbreak, confusion, and unemployment, I sensed God speaking one message to me over and over again: "Don't miss the wild for the wilderness." What did that mean? Finally, I figured it out this meant I should open my eyes of faith and see the powerful hand of God moving. This phrase reminded me to not loose sight of the incredible plan of God in the midst of the wilderness-even if my perspective was temporarily clouded.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, we serve a wild God who isn't predictable and who isn't at all tame. Much like his creation, He is gloriously wild. But isn't it His untamable goodness that makes Him so glorious?

Reflecting over the heartache, disappointment, and misery of my wilderness season, I can honestly say it was all worth it. For there, I experienced the wild adventure of trusting God. Girlfriends, I am so grateful that God is God, and I am not. I'm so thankful that God said no to my plan because He had a far greater adventure in mind. But most of all, my heart rejoices that God didn't leave me stuck in my fear and despair, clinging to a boulder on the side of a mountain. Instead, He has called me to rise and move- for the summit was too good to miss.

When a girl trust Jesus, the real Wilderness Guide, she places her faith in the One who knows His way through the wild frontier and is familiar with her sufferings. I can tell you this much: if you choose to trust Him, your life will not be boring, and it very well may not be safe, but I know for a fact that it will be a wild adventure. So my final advice or should I say my skill: don't you dare miss the wild for the wilderness.

Don't eat the Red Berries

There is something interesting about the definition of bitter.

Bit-ter- Adjective: having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, causing pain;piercing; stinging, a bitter chill, Characterized by intense antagonism or hostility: bitter hatred, hard to admit or accept: a bitter lesson, resentful or cynical:bitter words.

As this word has seemed to be popping up everywhere lately like pop corn I decided to look it up. Notice that the origin of the word is bitter is "bite." If you've ever been bitten- be by a dog, a spider, or a four-year-old-- you know that the bite inflicts pain. A wound results, and if it is not taken care of, it can become infected-poisonous to the body. Likewise, if we don't take care of our emotional "wounds," our souls become infected with poison.

Are you like me and in a wilderness season as a result of a painful event? a breakup? a rejection? an accusation? or just plain dissapointment? If so, there is a wound inside of you that we must deal with or it will turn to bitterness. I have great news, Jesus is the great Physician, and he longs to heal our hurts and bandage our wounds. Isaiah 61:1, a prophetic passage about Christ, descibed His life and ministry by saying that He will "Bind up the brokenhearted." The word bind in the original language literally means "to bandage, to cover, to enclose, to envelope."

When I was a little girl my family would go camping all the time. I practically grew up in Alabama state parks. Along the banks of Lake Martin would grow some of the biggest black berries. I remember sitting on the bank waiting for my dad to come in from his daily fishing trip and eating those black berries. I remember later on going over to my aunts house and I had hand picked some delicious looking red berries. (thinking there were the same thing) Little did I discover they were not the same thing. I remember walking over to a swing where my mother was sitting with a hand full of the fresh picked red berries and showing her as I was about to pop some in my mouth. She went into a panic, " Don't eat those red berries! They are poison!" As she slapped them out of my hand, and examined my mouth making sure I'd not been eating them. She told me again, that this isn't the kind you eat, these will kill you. To this day when I see red berries I always get a little nervous and ask myself are those poisonous?

In a wilderness season, women who are hurting, alone, afraid, and hungry for relief face a huge temptation to feed their souls with something that will actually harm them- I call it good ole' red berry bitterness. Believe it or not some people choose to bitterness. Whenever a person lives feeling entitled to her anger and justified in her resentment, she chooses to allow a bitter poison to brew in her heart. The poison slowly destroys her from inside out.

The Bible actually warns us about bitterness: "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled. (Hebrews 12:15) God tells us in scripture that a root of bitterness causes trouble and defiles many. Imagine that a person's life is like a fruit tree. A tree contains a root system that digs into the ground. Roots provide life and nourishment for the tree. Fruit grows simply as the outward manifestation of the root. Now, if the root of a tree is bitter, what will the fruit of that tree taste like?

You know and I understand the temptation to eat the red berry of bitterness. It appears oh so yummy. But, bitterness is so deadly to a woman's soul. Believe me, I know that when you're in the wilderness and hungry for some pain relief that berry looks so enticing. Yet resentment, anger, unforgiveness, and hatred will flat-out poison a girl.

"Are you bitter?" Seriously, I almost choked on sweet tea when I heard the question. Clearly, this guy didn't get the "what not to ask in a first conversation" memo. The question startled me. I looked at him-more than a little perplexed-and thought to myself, First of all how does he know? Then I thought, is he really asking me about my last relationship on a kinda flirtacious conversation? Once I got over the shock of his forthrightness, I thought about it his question and answered, "Am I bitter? No, I'm better..."

Now that all the maybe this could lead to a date conversation etiquette was out the window, and since it was obviously no secret that I have been walking through a toturous season, I decided to elaborate a little more on my answer and I said, "I'm a better person because of this experience, for.. through the pain I learned compassion, through the doubts I learned to trust, throught the feal I learned faith, through the rejection I see God's amazing hand of protection, and through the darkness I saw the light." He didn't say much more after that I suppose I was guilty of TMI -too much information- but, you know what, it was really good to hear myself say those words out loud. Yep, you guessed it, there wasn't a date (we haven't spoken since). But trust me... I'm not bitter.

Polar Bear Attacks & Left Handed Shame

I hate Valentines day.. I'm not really sure if I think its just one of those really horrible hallmark holidays only created to boost the economy. Or if it's because I think red and pink totally clash, or maybe its that I've only had a Valentine three of my twent-three years of living. But regardless if its because I'm single or in a relationship- I hate it. For most reasons, I think I should be loved and shown affection on a daily basis rather than February 14th like the rest of the world. However, I am realizing that there are simply no men (single) that are out there to worship the ground I walk on. Needless to say, this Valentines day I am celebrating my singles awareness.

After just turning 23 on the 8th, I'm starting to realize that it is time to start thinking about marriage.. No, I'm not one of those girls who has always dreamed of getting married. I spent my childhood peeing in the live wells of my dad's bass boat, rather dressing up Barbie in a white gown with Ken and walking them down the isle of the imagination of "Happily Ever After." I did, however, dream (to this day) of being a mother. I really believe I was created to be a mother... So in order to be a mother, I guess somewhere I have to meet a good guy to marry and be the father of my children... However, the closer to thirty I get -seven years I might add- I am starting to realize the myth-- something like polar bear attacks or lightening striking being more likely than marriage? What a cruel myth! (Please, tell me this is a myth, right?)

To desire is to long for something. To hope, dream, or yearn. A wilderness of unmet desire is waiting for that hope to become reality. It is this postponement of a longing of your soul. The feeling that your life is standing still while others appear to be moving at high speed. A woman in this wilderness may ask herself, "Did God push 'pause' on my life and forget to inform me?"

I've been asking myself a hard question lately. "What are you waiting for?"Mr. Right? You, however, may be the woman who is waiting for God to change your Mr. Right. My unmet desire is simply to feel loved. Maybe you are like one of my best friends who is longing for children. Or, you may be the mother who is waiting for God to change the child you already have?

An unmet desire can be financial, relational, or physical. What is the unmet desire of your heart? What is the secret longing that keeps you asking God the question, When?

My desire is children, but with no prospect of a husband on the horizon, for that desire, I must wait. Meanwhile most of my friends are now married and raising kids, and it seems God remembered them but for some reason He's forgot me. When having a family is the biggest desire of your heart, then it does seem like you are "waiting for life to begin" if that dream is not yet reality.

So.. What's a girl to do? When in the wilderness of unmet desire, what is the right way to wait so that we don't fall into the dangers of envy, manipulation, and worry? If there is any person in the scripture who knows a thing or two about waiting, it is King David. As a teenager, David received a promise that he would be the next king over Israel. But it would be nearly two decades before that promise was fulfilled. Did God lie? Did God forget? No! God had a definite purpose in the wait. Throughout the Psalms (most of which were written by David), he teaches of some incredible truths about waiting in the wilderness of unmet desire.

When David was a young man, God sent the prophet Samuel to his father's house to choose David out of all of his brother to be the future king of Israel. God described him as "a man after his own heart" (1 Sam. 13:14). What a bright future laying ahead of this young man! He was the chosen one. David loved the Lord, and he deeply desired to fulfill his calling to be king. Yet, it was twenty years before David's desire and God's promise was fulfilled. Like you and I, David entered a wilderness- a wilderness of unmet desire. In this wilderness, he, too, faced the same dangers of envy, manipulation, and worry.

Yet through David's experience we learn a powerful lesson about waiting. Come with me into the wilderness region of Israel where David is hiding out... literally. It is in these wilds we see David face the giants of envy, manipulation, and worry, which he is no longer able to slay with a mere pebble and slingshot.

David was a wanted man with a high price on his head. So, how did David find himself in this situation? I'm sure if you were to have asked him, he would have said, "well, certainly not hiding in a cave, hunted like an animal while I wait for God to remove Saul, the current king of Israel, that's for sure. This wilderness thing was sure not MY plan." Looking at David's story we learn our first lesson for the wilderness of waiting. Here's how it's told in scripture: "David left Gath and took refuge in the cave of Adullam. When David's brothers and his father's whole family heard, they went down and joined him there. In addition, every man who was desperate, in debt, or discontented rallied around him, and he became their leader. About 400 men were with him" (1 Sam 22:1-2). So we see that King Saul pursued David throughout Israel. David fled into the wilderness because Saul, in a jealous rage, decided to kill him. David hid and waited in a cave in the wilderness. Meanwhile hundreds joined him there... and they, too, waited on God to change the situation in the land. The first lesson we learn from David is this: we are not alone. Those people with him in that cave were waiting just like he was.

As girls we are so guilty of comparison - of looking at other people's lives and thinking that they have it "perfect" or "easy." When we choose to compare, our thoughts lead us to host our very own pity party. Like David, we are not alone. The question is not if we are waiting but how we are waiting. Most people have unmet desires. When we forget this truth, we tend to feel sorry for ourselves and send out our invites to our pity party. And do we ever help in planning the party? Satan loves to throw this shindig... it is his specialty. He knows that if he can get us to wallow in self-pity, then he can do great damage to our faith. He begins with his subtle accusations and then increases his attack by glamorizing the lives of everyone else.

Everyone else has it easy.

Your friend doesn't have to wait.

You are the only one living with unmet desire.

Poor you.

Please recognize his motive: not only does Satan seek to undermine a woman's faith and trust in God, but he also desires to plant sees of jealousy within a woman's heart that will grow into hate and bitterness toward God and others.

I kept my left hand in my lap all night. Not out of polite social etiquette that says keeping one's left hand daintily on your napkin while dining is proper. No, my left hand remained in my lap simply because I didn't want to feel..... how should I say... left out. You see, mine was the only left hand at this dinner party for fourteen women that was missing a wedding ring. I really felt sorry for my left hand. I didn't realize it was the odd one at first but after hearing the conversation to my left that was about breast pumps and the conversation to my right that was about which neighborhood afforded the better school district, it dawned on me: I am now the single woman in a married woman's world. When did this happen?

Freeze. This is the makings of a pity party. Ingredients one single woman reeling from a breakup and thirteen married women, and you've got yourself one fine fiesta! Thankfully this birthday party didn't end up in a pity party. Instead, this night provided me with one powerful truth: I am not alone in the wait.As I tuned out the whispers of the enemy and stopped thinking about myself for half a second, I listened to the women around me, and I realized something: each woman had an unmet desire in her heart, I was not alone.

One woman mentioned feeling alone at home with her kids and longed for genuine friendship again. Another was waiting to lose the "baby fat" she had put on and was beginning to lose hope that it would ever change. Others were married but still waiting for God to provide them with children. On girlfriend desired to be reconciled with a family member. Truth is, everyone has "their thing." Not that I desire others to be miserable, that isn't what I'm saying, but having company during the waiting takes the edge off of the awkward feeling of "It's just me out here in these crazy woods."

It's so easy to get wound up in the "what ifs" of the future. When we let ourselves go there and dwell in worry, life becomes miserable. I truly believe the lesson of Psalm 37 is this: chill out. When we start believing God does care about our hearts and He still knows how to run the universe, then we can stop our fretting and rest. I know I, too, will have a "Happily Ever After" because my heavenly Father sits on His chair- which just happens to be His throne in heaven.

Wilderness.. Woman vs. Wild

wil·der·ness (wldr-ns)
n.1. An unsettled, uncultivated region left in its natural condition, especially:
a. A large wild tract of land covered with dense vegetation or forests.
b. An extensive area, such as a desert or ocean, that is barren or empty; a waste.
c. A piece of land set aside to grow wild.
2. Something characterized by bewildering vastness, perilousness, or unchecked profusion

Jesus was taken into the wild by the Spirit for the Test. -Matthew 4:1

The List goes on. While I am waiting for my heart to heal from a horrible breakup. I am also waiting and waiting for a job offer during a long season of unemployment, I keep finding closed doors at every turn.. To describe the months that I am undergoing, a "wilderness" is putting it mildly. In this time of intense pain and spiritual confusion. I find myself turning to the guidebook for wilderness survival, the Bible, and discovered a life-changing truth.

Joseph... Joseph was dumped into a pit in the middle of a wilderness. This is truly a wilderness of rejection if there has ever been one. His own family-flesh and blood-have rejected, forsaken, and abandoned him. This is putting it mildy, they despised him so much they wanted him dead... I wonder what Joseph was thinking as he was hoisted over their shoulders and thrown into the bottom of the pit. Did he hope it was a prank and that it would end soon? Did he scream for release? Or did he sulk and suffer his shame and humiliation in silence? Did he cry, or did his pride step in and deny his brothers the pleasure of his tears? Did he threaten to tell their father? Did he pray? Did Joseph ask God, "why is this happening to me?" The bible tells us that once the caravan arrives in Egypt Joseph's brothers sell him to a man name Potipher who is one of pharoh's officials. Here in Potipher's house Joseph's character shines brightly for all to see, and the plan of God in this wilderness experience begins to be revealed: "As it turned out, God was with Joseph and things went very well with him. He ended up living in the home of his Egyptian master. His master recognized that God was with him, saw that God was working for good in everything he did. He became very fond of Joseph and made him his personal aide. He put him in charge of all his personal affairs, turning everything over to him." (Gen. 39:2-4)

God was with Joseph. Often in the wilderness of rejection we are tempted to believe the lie that God has rejected us too. He Hasn't. If you are a child of God, His love is always for you and He says: I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:9b-10)
As I walk through my wilderness of rejection, many times Satan has tempted me to believe that God has abandoned me too- moments in which the pain is so intense that I feel forsaken. Yet, in my darkest of hours I know that God is indeed with me. I feel His strength when I continually faced rejection of jobs. I feel His comfort when it seems no one else quite knows how to heal my hurt.
I think that if Joseph were to sit down with you and me for a cup of coffee and chat about our heartbreaks, career upsets, and the ups and downs of life, Joseph would look at us and simply say "Girls, what looks like rejection is God's protection." Do you see it? His Brothers intended harm,evil, and rejection, but God used it for good.

Joseph is an example of another way in which God reveals the mystery of His ways. Joseph spent most of his life not knowing why God had allowed his brothers to sell him into slavery, why he had allowed him to be brought to a foreign land, why he had allowed him to be falsely accused and thrown into prison. From behind bars, it must have seemed so unjust. But from the summit of understanding that God later granted him, it all made perfect sense. It was there he learned the seemingy meandering ways of God weren't simply leading to the shaping of his character but also to the saving of his family ( a lineage that lead to Christ), preserving them through the seven years of famine and prospering them for generations to come.

So repeat after me: What seems like rejection is really God's protection.

Man vs. Wild Survival Instinct number 1: When lost in the wild, (wilderness), find the highest point of elevation near you and climb to the top of it. Why? To gain perspective on your location.

Perspective is extremely important in wilderness survival. Perspective proves crucial whether lost in the Sierra Nevada or in a wilderness of rejection. As a daughter of the most High and follower of Jesus Christ, whenever we face a circumstance that seems like rejection, we need to take a hike up a little mountain (actually its quite massive, a Summit that I call God's Soverignty)and look at the situation from the vantage point.

To say that God is soverign means He rules and reigns over His creation- to know He is actively working and involved in your life and causing the circumsances to work for a purpose. Translation: God isn't sitting up in heaven saying "Oops, I really dropped the ball on that one." So when the sting of rejection hits, we can say, "This circumstance was filtered through the soverign hands of my God." We have this promise from God's word. "God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

When Rejection hit my heart like a bomb, I couldn't fathom the incredible purpose God had in allowing it to happen. My vision- being small, limited, and shortsighted-only saw my heart bleeding. But, God see's my destiny. He saw His purpose for my life unfolding and how a broken heart would propel me to begin a ministry to reach women for Jesus Christ. He knows that His plan is better than my plan. I could never see it from my vintage point of pain. But looking on the summit of understanding and mountain top of God's soverignty today.. I CAN SEE!

Happy Hour

The Clock hits 5 o'clock pm and offices everywhere empty out as men and women hurry off to their favorite watering hole to release the stress and forget the cares of the day.
Its 5 o'clock somewhere and when the clock strikes five, its Happy Hour. A time to throw back a few rounds of beer. Happy hour could be a buy one get one free shoe sale at your favorite shoe store, or it could be countless hours of keeping up with the junk food reality tv as you multi task facebook on the couch. For some, it may be a drive thru or hours excercising at the local gym or a few ours spent sleeping. It's all the same, Happy hour is about escaping.. indulging... its about feeling... Happy?
I just recently recognized my own happy hour, I found myself circling the parking lot of Belk looking and praying for a "parking favor" as I was also fussing to myself about the intelligent double space parkers. It was purely instinctive really, I'd hop into my car and without thinking drive to the local great beacon of capitalism- the shopping mall.
"Why am I here?" I'd asked myself... Well, it'd been one of those weeks. You know the kind I'm talking about, when the usual places you go to for love are closed for business. My career wasn't giving me the emotional love I wanted, my relationship was simply exhausting (yep, not feeling the love there either). I was overworked, sleep deprived and my physical appearance wasn't exactly turning heads either. But, Shoes... Shoes, always fit.
Did I need anything? One look at my closet and another at my check book would tell me... no. You see, I was emotionally spent. Frustration with my dating life making me sad and angry, and to make matters worse I'd messed up on something at work. So I would run to the mall, particularly the shoe department at Belk and fill the ache in my heart. So on my happy hour I would simply take a visit to see Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Jessica Simpson, and Carlos Santana.
I'd done enough emotional spending to know that another pair of designer jeans or shoes wasn't the answer. In reality, I was making things worse. Eventually the credit card bill arrives, and my outfits magical ability to make me feel good about myself is gone in the first wash.
Just like a hangover of a night of too much drinking, any version of happy hour can have you feeling tired and dehydrated. I know my soul isn't going to be filled with a new outfit or a great pair of new six inch heels. These things are only temporary and the issues will resurface if I don't run to Jesus Christ.

I have a box of old photographs from my happy hour days. Pictures of me double fisting, shot gunning with others who also were using substance to numb their aches. A time where going to bars was a given and my life revolved around getting a good buzz. I see past my physical appearance in those pictures, I see a girl with a big fake smile.
If you could have seen me then you would've see a girl who was always desperately trying to be the life of the party. Always trying to be fun, cute, and so entertaining. I thought if I could convince everyone else I was having a good time- maybe I would believe it myself. The more I tried to squeeze life out of a bottle, the more I lost myself.
The main problem with Happy Hour is that its never enough. Narcotics and other drugs are dangerous in their own way but the motives behind using them is to numb and escape the pain and emptiness of life. But, the more you use, the more they have to use because the core problem is still there.

Hope is what most of us need isn't it? Because, God loves us so much, He planned an intervention. He hates to see the destruction in our lives, so Jesus came to free us from all the places we go looking for love apart from Him. Jesus came to give us real life, real joy, real hope, and real satisfaction. In explaining oiur need for an intervention, Jesus said, The theif comes to kill, steal, and destroy; I have come that you may have life, & Have it to the full. (John 10:10 NIV).
When Jesus says He came that we may have life, what he describes is much more than just mere existence. He offers vitality, richness, and fullness. This type of life is a far cry from the type that is dependent on food, fashion, or substance to sustain its happiness. Yes, a person can exist, turning to things for happiness, and still never really feel alive. Our happy hour, or should I say comfort zones are really just distractions of Satan to keep us from turning to God.
I realize that each woman must come to her own conclusion about initiating the changes she needs in her life. Trust me, I fully recognize that we as women can realize we are miserable in our present conditions yet not be ready to take a step of faith. I've been in that spot countless times. When "Happy Hour" is all you know, it's hard to imagine real life can be found elsewhere. As a woman, you must decide for yourself if you are at a place where you want a change. Can you actually take a new day and embrace a whole new comfort?
For me it took my entire life falling apart. Getting dumped by a wonderful guy, loosing nearly all of my friends, getting layed off from work from a job that I loved greatly. That's when I realized I was a "branch" disconnected and withering because I wasn't connected and recieving life from the vine, Jesus Christ.
I cannot sugar coat this giving up my happy hour spots was and still is one of the hardest things I've done. But, I realize looking for love in a happy hour was wrecking my life. I made a decision to stop relying on alcohol for confidence, hook-ups for love, and peoples oppinion for self worth. Instead, I chose to take Jesus and give dependency on Him. The lure of the old lifestyle can be strong no matter how empty it is.

Today I have more fun living for Christ than I did in any Happy Hour. I say my life today I am happy, no it's not perfect, I still have heartbreaks, letdowns and cramps just like the next girl does.There is a deep current of life that runs through me, that sustains me in the storms so that when life isn't exactly happy, I still have joy.